The Vacuum

My boy discovered, with the help of his sometimes not so brilliant father, that the word, vacuum, when mouthed ever so silently, looks like the phrase, “fuck you”. Shortly after I may (or may not) have divulged this awesome tidbit of informational cocaine to him, my boy, high on this new found rush, started to toy with me by having me guess which one he was saying. I instantly solved my dilemma by making vacuum an illegal word in my house and then threatening a throat-punching if he said either word.

This all reminded me of when I used to fuck with my dad at my boy’s age. I remember mouthing “vacuum” (which is an extremely fucked up way to spell a word. Who came up with that? The fucking Brits? Brilliant, fucktards!) to my father, and receiving a slap to the back of the skull. I said in shock, “Ow, why’d you do that, Dad?” He sternly replied, “Never tell your Old Man, ‘Fuck You!’” I quickly retorted, “I didn’t, I said ‘vacuum!’” He yelled, “Why the fuck would you say, “vacuum? Are you some kind of fucking retard?” “No sir! I thought it would be funny to trick you,” I cried. “Not so funny, was it, shithead?” My father was obviously a huge dick.

Most of the stuff that my dad did when I was growing up, is the same sort of things that I find myself either doing or saying. I don’t think that I am as big a dick as he was, but I’m sure that my children would tell a drastically different tale. Most of the stupid things that my kids do are the same stupid things that I did, and I’m sure that their children will be guilty of the same stupidity.( This is where I’m supposed to add a brilliantly witty remark that will make you laugh and keep your attention, but I’m kind of at a loss for wit, so you’ll have to add your own humor here ____________________. If the line provided does not allow ample space for your remark, please feel free to turn this blog over and use the blank side.)

One thing is certain, I dont have to look for comedy too hard in my house. I am married to a lunatic, and she is married to a psychopath. My kids have an uphill battle to keep their sanity. So, when I say that my life is a sitcom, I mean that it is the funniest sitcom ever!! I wouldn't change a thing. I love my crazy wife and retarded children. They keep me on my toes.

Porn

One fine day, after a long shift at work, I was greeted at the door with, "Your son exposed himself to his sisters and their friend." Yeah, you heard me. My 12 year old son dropped trou, and dangled his participle in front of the 3 girls. Why? Because my innocent girls were showing my son internet porn. What the fuck? (from here on, I will be abreviating this phrase as wtf, which I'm quite sure that you realize but it makes me feel like a big shot by causing you to waste time reading this laboriously long, parenthetical sidebar) I dreaded asking each of my children the obvious questions, "Where did you learn this shit?" and, "how did you get around my parental password thing?" Well aparrently, kids are smart with this techno shit. My oldest cracked her old man's code, and in turn shared this ill-gotten info with the boy's little friend, whom we will call Billy for this story, who than gave the password to the boy. (BTW, Billy will more than likely not be brought up in the rest of this story, just so you know and are not worrying, "I hope Billy is OK, he was a cool character" He's not cool, he's a dick, and not worthy of lingering thoughts of pity for his character. Good Day, Billy. I SAID, GOOD DAY!!!) Upon disabling all parental controls the kids feasted on the porn-o-coppia of sin available on the internet. To answer the question, "Where did you learn this?" My ass cheeks clenched tightly as the answer came. I just knew it would be, "From you, Daddy!!! From you." No!!!! It was the little girl who spent the day with my 2 daughters. (Lets refer to her as Jill. Yep, you guessed it, she won't be in any subsequent stories. Just like Billy.[I am only mentioning him here for emphasis in the short "Jill" story. I did not lift my literary ban on Billy. He is still a dick]

Dont get me wrong, I am by no means making light of this very delicate situation. "Houston, we have a goddamned catastrophe on our hands!!!" WWJD? Condemn them, most likely. What we had on our hands was no different than when I was a young man in my underground fort (because I am affraid of heights and had no desire for a tree fort from which my asshole brother would surely have thrown me from) with the stack of playboy magazines absconded from under my dad's bed. Except one thing, my little ankle biting bastards have one thing that I didnt. Video!!! Free!!! At the click of a mouse!!! WTF!?! I was stuck with Bo Derek. (only because my asshole brother stole the only Hustler ) Not that I am complaining about the past. It just puts the whole "I had to walk to school 3 miles in the snow" argument in a whole new light.

Look, what I'm trying to get across to you is this: Sometimes, you gotta laugh at the shit the monkeys of this world throw at you. Take a bad situation and turn it around. Because of my kids I learned something, Where to find new free porn!! Just kidding. I beat the shit out of the little fuckers. They wont be looking up porn again. (at least not until the casts come off in 6 more weeks)

Writers note: I didnt beat them, my wife and I handled it with the wisdom of Solomon. (we cut them down the middle.

Disclaimer and intro

If you are reading this, then you may know me. If do know me, then you realize that I may not be the person you once knew. With that being said, if you are of the WWJD variety, and you feel it necessary to ask me, "What would the Lord think of this?", I quite frankly do not give a fuck! Listen, you mean well, but nobody likes a Jesus Freak. Just kidding, don't get your thong in a bunch. I'm writing this blog for entertainment, yours and mine. If I write a story and you think that I may be talking about you, fuck it. If I make it as a famous comic, you'll be famous. I'll invite you to all my big shows. You'll have to pay, of course. We just never liked each other that much, really.
My biggest dream is to be a stand up comic. The sit down variety are kind of , well, lazy. (insert rim shot, not rim job--pervert) Some of what I find funny is sometimes, no almost always warped and/or twisted. Does that make me wrong? If you think so, stop reading now!!! Go no further................ok, if you continue to read and are offended, disturbed, put off, pissed-off, up in arms, pissy, haunted, or immediately filled with rage towards me, I warned you. So Fuck off!!!
I hope that by reading my blogs, you will be enertained. And that's my pledge to you. WTF?? I still dont know if i like you well enough to make a pledge to you just yet.