Porn

One fine day, after a long shift at work, I was greeted at the door with, "Your son exposed himself to his sisters and their friend." Yeah, you heard me. My 12 year old son dropped trou, and dangled his participle in front of the 3 girls. Why? Because my innocent girls were showing my son internet porn. What the fuck? (from here on, I will be abreviating this phrase as wtf, which I'm quite sure that you realize but it makes me feel like a big shot by causing you to waste time reading this laboriously long, parenthetical sidebar) I dreaded asking each of my children the obvious questions, "Where did you learn this shit?" and, "how did you get around my parental password thing?" Well aparrently, kids are smart with this techno shit. My oldest cracked her old man's code, and in turn shared this ill-gotten info with the boy's little friend, whom we will call Billy for this story, who than gave the password to the boy. (BTW, Billy will more than likely not be brought up in the rest of this story, just so you know and are not worrying, "I hope Billy is OK, he was a cool character" He's not cool, he's a dick, and not worthy of lingering thoughts of pity for his character. Good Day, Billy. I SAID, GOOD DAY!!!) Upon disabling all parental controls the kids feasted on the porn-o-coppia of sin available on the internet. To answer the question, "Where did you learn this?" My ass cheeks clenched tightly as the answer came. I just knew it would be, "From you, Daddy!!! From you." No!!!! It was the little girl who spent the day with my 2 daughters. (Lets refer to her as Jill. Yep, you guessed it, she won't be in any subsequent stories. Just like Billy.[I am only mentioning him here for emphasis in the short "Jill" story. I did not lift my literary ban on Billy. He is still a dick]

Dont get me wrong, I am by no means making light of this very delicate situation. "Houston, we have a goddamned catastrophe on our hands!!!" WWJD? Condemn them, most likely. What we had on our hands was no different than when I was a young man in my underground fort (because I am affraid of heights and had no desire for a tree fort from which my asshole brother would surely have thrown me from) with the stack of playboy magazines absconded from under my dad's bed. Except one thing, my little ankle biting bastards have one thing that I didnt. Video!!! Free!!! At the click of a mouse!!! WTF!?! I was stuck with Bo Derek. (only because my asshole brother stole the only Hustler ) Not that I am complaining about the past. It just puts the whole "I had to walk to school 3 miles in the snow" argument in a whole new light.

Look, what I'm trying to get across to you is this: Sometimes, you gotta laugh at the shit the monkeys of this world throw at you. Take a bad situation and turn it around. Because of my kids I learned something, Where to find new free porn!! Just kidding. I beat the shit out of the little fuckers. They wont be looking up porn again. (at least not until the casts come off in 6 more weeks)

Writers note: I didnt beat them, my wife and I handled it with the wisdom of Solomon. (we cut them down the middle.