The Vacuum

My boy discovered, with the help of his sometimes not so brilliant father, that the word, vacuum, when mouthed ever so silently, looks like the phrase, “fuck you”. Shortly after I may (or may not) have divulged this awesome tidbit of informational cocaine to him, my boy, high on this new found rush, started to toy with me by having me guess which one he was saying. I instantly solved my dilemma by making vacuum an illegal word in my house and then threatening a throat-punching if he said either word.

This all reminded me of when I used to fuck with my dad at my boy’s age. I remember mouthing “vacuum” (which is an extremely fucked up way to spell a word. Who came up with that? The fucking Brits? Brilliant, fucktards!) to my father, and receiving a slap to the back of the skull. I said in shock, “Ow, why’d you do that, Dad?” He sternly replied, “Never tell your Old Man, ‘Fuck You!’” I quickly retorted, “I didn’t, I said ‘vacuum!’” He yelled, “Why the fuck would you say, “vacuum? Are you some kind of fucking retard?” “No sir! I thought it would be funny to trick you,” I cried. “Not so funny, was it, shithead?” My father was obviously a huge dick.

Most of the stuff that my dad did when I was growing up, is the same sort of things that I find myself either doing or saying. I don’t think that I am as big a dick as he was, but I’m sure that my children would tell a drastically different tale. Most of the stupid things that my kids do are the same stupid things that I did, and I’m sure that their children will be guilty of the same stupidity.( This is where I’m supposed to add a brilliantly witty remark that will make you laugh and keep your attention, but I’m kind of at a loss for wit, so you’ll have to add your own humor here ____________________. If the line provided does not allow ample space for your remark, please feel free to turn this blog over and use the blank side.)

One thing is certain, I dont have to look for comedy too hard in my house. I am married to a lunatic, and she is married to a psychopath. My kids have an uphill battle to keep their sanity. So, when I say that my life is a sitcom, I mean that it is the funniest sitcom ever!! I wouldn't change a thing. I love my crazy wife and retarded children. They keep me on my toes.